holllllyyy moles.

I haven’t been on here in God knows how long. how on earth do people keep up with all these social networking sites??? and now google+???? it’s like a full time job!

you really see

the lack of worth of material items when you realize that you’d trade all the riches, all the clothes, shoes, cars, bags, bank accounts, everything for one day with someone. 

Letters From The Sky
Civil Twilight
Civil Twilight

Civil Twilight

Letters From the Sky

This song… gives me chills

(via breakingflight-deactivated20120)

time to write. blah

Alright Nicomachean Ethics paper, it looks like you’re not going to write yourself. So let’s do this.

Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim.

- Aristotle

I never used to fear death.

not for myself, at least.

my worst fear used to be throwing up. but after my dad passed away, it became the death of others - in the back of my mind, the fear of my mom or my dog or my family is always haunting me. I’ve learned to hide it well but it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of. 

Sometimes I think of how much easier my life would be and how much less anxiety I would have if I had a 100 percent guarantee that these people in my life would never leave me. Where would I be? My thoughts and feelings and mood would be dramatically different and focused on such different things. How much time do I spend in fear of these things happening??

my philosophy used to be that I would not mind if I myself died as long as my loved ones were in my life until the very last moment of it. I still feel this way - i would prefer to not live at all than to live without my mom. 

but on top of that, i now think of myself dying all the time. I’m not sure what it is that provokes these thoughts each night as I lay in bed, but they’re starting to get a little draining. As compared to before, when I did not truly fear the idea of my own death, now, I sort of want to stay alive. That might sound weird. I never wanted to die by any means but i never used to fear death. 

Now, I think I can safely say that I fear it. What’s behind this new anxietyy? Why am I all of a sudden so afraid of something I never even gave thought to before? 

Even though it is time-consuming, emotionally draining, and doesn’t really give me the most pleasant feeling - I think it is a good sign. I think I now fear death because I see a meaning to my life. I see so many opportunities and achievements and goals and dreams that I have yet to accomplish - and I am well on my way there. I have a long, long, LONG list of things I want to do, places I want to see, people I want to meet. And I won’t settle for anything short of PERFECT - i want to do it all. 

Being in college has opened my eyes to the world and I feel like I’ve learned more in the past six months about myself than I have my entire life. I feel like I am a new person, inside and out. I still have some of the same goals that I’ve had since I was a little girl,..but now they are refined and upgraded versions.

But this is weird - When I walk down the empty hallway every night to brush my teeth, I imagine someone coming through the door and shooting me in the face, my life over in a split second. Last night when I walked past a group of men standing by their car on campus, I clenched my fists and held my breath, in fear of being shot in the back of the head. When my mom doesn’t call me back for 5 minutes or more, I imagine the worst (I don’t even feel comfortable typing it out). And everytime my mom does call me, I fear that her first words will be that something happened to my dog.

I realize that these thoughts are not very normal. I realize that I should probably work on getting rid of them. Thankfully, I consider myself a very “pro-active” person and am using resources to get help for myself. When thinking about it, the amount of time and effort I spend on therapy is crazy but I know that in the end, it will pay off, and I will one day get through this.

Thankfully, my mom is very happy and healthy. (my dog is as well, except he is a little chubby:) ) She takes care of herself and for the most part does not engage in risky behavior, which makes my life a little bit easier. But even so, I still think of the risk of meningitis, car accidents, violent crimes, breast cancer etc..

I don’t think my fear of the death of myself and others will ever fully subside. I feel that for my situation and the sudden unexpected death that I experienced, it is normal for me to have some worries. but I don’t want it to take over my life.

My goal for this week (and possibly for this month, this quarter, however long it takes) is to focus on LIVING —- and not dying. In discussing Aristotle’s views of a “good life”, my philosophy professor brought up this quote from the movie Braveheart:

"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."

I think this quote is perfect for right now and relates to my current state of mind and my life. The quote says that DEATH is inevitable. As unfortunate as that is, i am going to die someday, whether I like it or not. So that is not up to me, and that is not something I can do anything about.

BUT - living, TRULY living (not just biologically), is an option. It is not something that I think every single human gets to experience. But it is doable, and it is possible.

So if it’s POSSIBLE to live well, and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to stop death, then, being the super logical person that I am, my conclusion is that it is more well worth my time to focus on the former rather than the latter. 

So that will be my goal from now on.

You know what it isss….

You know what it isss….

Best. Movie. Ever.
“I’m gonna pull the whole thing down. I’m gonna bring the whole fuckin’ diseased, corrupt temple down on your head. It’s gonna be biblical.”
- Law Abiding Citizen

Best. Movie. Ever.

I’m gonna pull the whole thing down. I’m gonna bring the whole fuckin’ diseased, corrupt temple down on your head. It’s gonna be biblical.

- Law Abiding Citizen

(via idontbelieveyoucontinue-deactiv)

Dani Nations is going to buy me this for my bdayy

Dani Nations is going to buy me this for my bdayy